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Wednesday, 12 April 2017

I am sad, I am lonely- Beat it- I am in the process of being happy and content

You know, I want to be a positive thinker, so even I will not put a negative words into my writing. I really want to write in Bahasa, but let me express myself with English. I need to practice though.

Today, is my third day. my sadness is still in me. It becomes more and more deep when I study and find myself is not that smart, not with my expectation, not even close. So, I make excuse maybe I sad. Or even, maybe because I do not study seriously.

oh, this writing will be an emotional article. But, let me touch your heart for a while, I am not embarrassing anymore with what I feel, it may looks silly when I feel happy again. But let me emerge my own feeling and let me express it in my way. Maybe, I can cure your sadness too.

So, let's get started.
Everyone has their own weakness. mine, it could be about understand and respond a thing. sometimes, I think very complicated. it may because I am too genius (LOL) or I do not know how to describe a brilliant idea at one time. yes, communication. it impacts not only in my social life but also my life. However, I realize that I am good at communicate with my self, why is it so hard to express what I feel to other people. I am not to the point, I always use some words before saying a thing. It goods, regarding I will think first before I say it. sometimes, I decide not to say it. I am very shy person. (that's what success people said).

So, it impacts on my life. It makes me make a very hard decision because I can not argue with other people and agree with them. So, it make me make one travelling trip to Europe. A very lucky me. But I am not happy, because I have a lot of fear. I just believe it and it makes me more afraid. However, let me believe it. because what? it makes me stronger. I feel like I do not want to hope to human anymore. just to Allah. I believe in Allah, I believe that this will be great. This is the best for me. I believe in it.

Secondly, I think that I am not smart. which is very wrong, right?. hey, it does not mean I say that I am genius but every one in this world is smart. No one is stupid. Weather it is in academic, sport, business, emotional quality, spiritual quality, arts. It may because I expect my self to be perfect, I do not like when I am not dominate one thing. No, I mean I can not express my self and just listen to other people. I do not like that. I need a place when people would listen to me, then I listen to them, when we are so comfort to say what we think and correct our ideas if it wrongs.

Thirdly, it ends up with night walking. I finish my class tonight with a very proud of myself. I have talked to my teacher and I feel good. I walked in with some yellow light in campus. I completely feel lonely. Am I homesick? I do not think so. I recognize this feeling. Then, Suddenly I stop because I see two animals in there. my loneliness is gone when I see their eyes, I want to touch them but they looks afraid of me. Me too. So, I just to pass, then someone behind me stop too and we talk for a while. I feel good to meet someone.

Then, I think again about myself. I recognize this sadness, I am not homesick.

I do not know why Allah design my life with loneliness, I always different from other people. Weather it is about my hair, my look, my behaviour, my communication skill, my intelligent. I think differently with other people and I know it. However, I am not used to it. To describe the way I think to other people. That's why I have co-project every night to help me describe it clearly to others. I have no problems to talk to myself. Maybe because the receiver is me, I know what I think and I just need to describe what I think, this one and that one. But, I do not know that people have no idea about what I think, so I need to describe not only my ideas, but also the way I think.

Another thing about this sadness is because it is super easy for me to feel lonely. When I am alone sometimes I do not feel lonely, I am so free to express my self and just do what I love. However, there is some point that I realize. "Hey, I have not talk to people these days for two days" haha.. maybe I talk to people in my home, but not to new people around me. In that point, I feel lonely and looking for someone that want to talk to me, just like today.

But wait, I have talked to my teachers, friends and I have met some people that I know?

Yes, that's part of my loneliness. I feel lonely when it too much people. it sometimes, happens to me. That's why I say that I just super easy to feel sad. when I just my self, I need people to talk. When it too much people in one place, I feel lonely too. so, what I need to do?

I think again until I realize the most happiest moment in my life. When I share to other people, when I hope other people to be happy too. When I talk to people to help them. I feel I am so value and I feel happy.

another option?
okay, let me think...
When I take in charge on something. Yes, I really like to do it. Sharing. Make my ideas into action. Give charity to other people. That is my happiness.

Do you know??
why I recognize this sadness? Because when I was in primary school. I had friends who hate me for no reason. what make me happy? I gave my lunch for my teacher. I do it every day. I gave it to him because I have heard from one conversation that he need that. I do not remember what kind of conversation is that, or my perception is right or not. I just do it and that's make me happy. oh, I am going to cry. I just discover it!

I still remember the strong me. So, because a bunch of people, are they five ? yes, I think so. Yes, they hate me for no reason. It is really hard for me to make a friend. So, I am trying my best to find one.

It reminds me of myself right now. Because I have a bad perception of myself, maybe I am not respect friends that I have unconsciously. Therefore, I make my own world becomes a lonely world.

Maybe I need to change my own perception of myself first. First, I must beat my laziness and start doing my priority. Second, I must think positive of other people. Third, I must give to others, charity, food, or anything that I can. I must do it maximally not just because I want to give. Just like I was child.

I know that why something is always happen to you, because you are doing the same thing. So, the strong me may never get a best friends in her life because her mind just always like that. To change mindset is not easy.

So, let's say that I am in the process of having a lot friends
I am in the process of being smart
I am in the process of being productive
I am in the process of being respectful on what I have
I am in the process of being grateful on what I have.

So, above of all. I am completely grateful that my friends just call me to ask me about my bicycle
my friends just line me to continue our conversation after my class
I have meeting tomorrow with my friends to make a group to finish our task
I have friends In real life
I have friends who are really generous when I ask them

It just my bad perception on something, I just think so differently
I must be a positive thinker

It comes to conclusion, I am sad, I am lonely
beat it through analysing what's wrong, it is not me, it just the way I think
So, I can change it easily, I change my word
I change my world
I will keep saying something good, thinking something positive
I am in the process of being happy and content

Cheers,
Let happiness make you grateful
let the pain make you grow

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